I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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