Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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