tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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