we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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