You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire