Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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