Will you blow on my dice?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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