I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
