guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You can't just leave with hair like that
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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