I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
