One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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