she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
