I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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