he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
