Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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