so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
