I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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