Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
