I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
