have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
