I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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