I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
