Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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