Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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