Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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