I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
