the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
