We're facebook friends in real life
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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