Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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