Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
