so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
