Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
