is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
