i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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