There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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