I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
