All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
