I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
