i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
