this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I would fuck him just for his dog
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
