I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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