I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
