My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize