the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
