Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
