I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
