Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
