I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
