Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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