Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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