I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We got so high we made milksteak
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
