tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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