last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
