I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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