Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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