you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
