but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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